Criminal
by Cobalite
Summary: Entry written in Buffy's diary post-Who Are You, found after her death.


Author's Notes: I wrote this a long time ago, when I had writers block on
    Becoming, Part Two, and was listening to my Fiona Apple CD when this came to
    me. A great many people have tried to explain Buffy's actions during, "Who
    Are You." This is my attempt. Entry found in Buffy's diary after her death.
    Comments, questions and concerns go to cobalite@yahoo.com.
    
    Criminal
    By Cobalite Ice
    
    _I've been a bad bad girl
    I've been careless with a delicate man
    And it's a sad, sad world
    When a girl will break a boy
    Just because she can
    Don't tell me to deny it
    I've done wrong and I want to
    Suffer for my sins
    I've come to you `cause I need
    Guidance to be true
    And I just don't know where I can begin_
    
     I shouldn't have gone, but I did. Because I still need Angel, even if we
    both deny it. I just don't know if he needs me anymore. I saw Wesely, who had
    just spent the previouse night getting tortured, help Faith. I saw a side of
    Cordelia I thought I'd never see again. Maybe she still is human underneath.
    
    _What I need is a good defense
    'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
    And I need to be redeemed
    To the one I've sinned against
    Because he's all I ever knew of love_
    
     I was terrible to them all. I have to learn that Angel isn't mine anymore.
    I don't know what he has going in LA with Cordelia and Wesely, but it's deep,
    deeper than anything he ever had with even me back in Sunnydale.
    
    _Heaven help me for the way I am
    Save me from these evil deeds
    Before I get them done
    I know tomorrow brings the consequence
    At hand
    But I keep living this day like
    The next will never come_
    
     He has a family now, and somehow, Faith and I managed to screw him over
    again. Maybe I'm ready to face the truth, that I can never really love anyone
    like I loved Angel. But I'll stay by Riley, because I need some one, anyone
    to hold me when things get to bad. I might die tomorrow anyway, and I know I
    won't live long enough to marry him, or anyone else.
    
    _Oh help me but don't tell me
    To deny it
    I've got to cleanse myself
    Of all these lies till I'm good
    Enough for him
    I've got a lot to lose and I'm
    Bettin' high
    So I'm beggin' you before it ends
    Just tell me where to begin_
    
     I want him back, but I can't have him. He belongs to the City of Angels,
    not Buffy Summers, not anymore. I don't know where my future heads. Like Tara
    said, I don't know what I'll become when the end comes.
    
    _What I need is a good defense
    'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
    And I need to be redeemed
    To the one I've sinned against
    Because he's all I ever knew of love_
    
     Now, Angel must face his destiny in LA. I heard whispers pass from Giles
    to Willow, talking of the scroll, and some obscure word, Shansu. I looked it
    up. It means death. I wonder if Angel is going to die.
    
    _Let me know the way
    Before there's hell to pay
    Give me room to lay the law and let me go
    I've got to make a play
    To make my lover stay
    So what would an angel say
    The devil wants to know_
    
     I think I'm the one who needs redemption. What I did, it was downright
    cruel. Why, why did I do it? I came home, and through the power of friendship,
    I killed Adam. Riley wasn't involved, he was being reprogrammed at the time,
    but even if he was awake, I wouldn't have wanted him in on the spell.
    
    _What I need is a good defense
    'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
    And I need to be redeemed
    To the one I've sinned against
    Because he's all I ever knew of love_
    
     I don't love him enough. I love Willow, Xander, and Giles with all my
    heart. So much that for a brief moment, we were able to become one. I wish my
    Angel could have experianced it.
    
    _What I need is a good defense
    'Cause I'm feeling like a criminal
    And I need to be redeemed
    To the one I've sinned against_
    
    
     No, it's not Angel who needs redemption. I'm not Buffy Summers anymore, I
    am just a hollow shell. And it hurts so much, because the one I love, I don't
    think he can love me anymore. I can let him have that, because one I begged
    him to tell me he didn't love me anymore.
    
    _Because he's all I ever knew of love_
    
     I will always love Angel, and I can never love Riley. Because he's not
    Angel, he'll never be Angel, and I can deal with that. I just don't want to
    be alone when death comes, and anything is better than that. Right? Oh god,
    just let me have this.In the end, Kendra was right. Slayers shouldn't form
    emotional attachments. They refuse to die. Just like me.


End file.
